Falling Backwards

I inhale deeply from a cigarette. The smoke sears my lungs. I turn my head sideways and exhale. The sand is soft under me. The ocean waves calm my mind. I think about my life. I close my eyes and try to come to some conclusion. My mind is full of failures and insecurities-my heart is full of love and peace. Those days are gone I tell myself. Days of meaningless living and anxiety. Days of unrestrained gratification of egotism and self-serving malice. I seek out a new life for myself. The upright man. The disciplined virtuoso. I take heed not to become too comfortable in my new mind-set-ever mindful of the ways we hastily return to the old self-that jealous lover that can’t stand to see us move on to something bigger, better than it could ever have been.