Water and Shore-Villanelle

We were children, brother, water and shore.
Indistinct, like the grains we walked on then.
That time is gone, we are children no more

Born a year a part, one year, and no more
Never separate, from boys to mock men
We were children, brother, water and shore.

Our senior year they said make plans, be sure.
We said to the coast, we will go my friend.
That time is gone, we are children no more.

A man in Dress Blues, spoke country and corps
You believed him, signed your life with his pen
We were children, brother, water and shore.

His tongue made no mention of blood and war
In youth we stormed beaches, bullets-pretend.
That time is gone, we are children no more.

Now sand and no water, tainted not pure
There was a time with nothing to defend
We were children, brother, water and shore.
That time is gone, we are children no more.

Attachment-Charlie Smith

Little prongs, hooks, eyelets
threaded through you,

some days almost invisible, love
a pertinence unapprehended,

magnolia spikes, swept up curlicues of scent,
bird feathers in the grass, a park

we crossed at dusk talking about liberation-
clasps, brackets, childhood mixed in,

the sacred memories-Baltic Sea, the South-
cathces, latches, holes in sound,

some of these, the words
more important than before,

a glimmerance, limerance,
the rain-softened lights among the monuments,

the way I hung back
to see you walking, a step ahead,

as if you were leaving me.

Don't call me peanut

Drink up beautiful;
I spiked your cup with angst, and a heart attack.
I've got so much trapped and it's all because of you.
So i figured you might like some back;

And when I see her I'll tell her whats been on my mind,
All these sleepless nights, she'll recite her excuses,
Put my tail between these legs of mine;
Like i do all the time

Can't live my life;
Knowing you'll be in his arms, each time I blink my eyes;
Know what goes on behind my back; every night.
Afraid I'll never leave; afraid I'll never know whats good for me

And when I see her I'll tell her whats been on my mind,
All these sleepless nights, she'll recite her excuses,
Put my tail between these legs of mine;
Like i do all the time

And now you say that; you say you love me.
Well i may have your heart, he has your body
And now you swear that; you're being honest,
But you're not honest, you never could be

And when I see her I'll tell her whats been on my mind,
All these sleepless nights, she'll recite her excuses,
Put my tail between these legs of mine;
Like i do all the time

Wake up to a pounding head and blood shoot eyes and I'm mad at myself because I thought this was behind me. That old Sinatra song Cycles is playing in my head and, Frankie, I guess I'm in the middle of a down turn. It's a condolence that I caught myself.

I finally got down to the truth of you and I. All this time I've been hung up on you, it hasn't been love. For all my posturing and bullshit I'm really a small man. Everything that came after us-the sleepless nights, the panic attacks, the blackouts and punched walls-None of that was heartbreak. It was nothing but a bruised ego. Big, hulking, black and blue fucking ego. I thought what you did was betrayal but it was nothing but robbery. You took the self-worth I had and thrashed it, left me effeminized and weak. I don't miss holding you at night because what is that? Just an arm that falls asleep and a shitty night sleep. I don't miss talking to you because you could never hold my attention for more then a minute. I never think about the sex. What was fucking you? 30 seconds of lip-biting inadequacy. I want to feel strong again. Need the validation. Need to be built up.I want to make you feel ugly and stupid and worthless. I want you wondering what I'm doing and who I'm with. I want the control back and that's much harder to come by then some misplaced notion of story-book romance.

I can't help but realize that I don't belong here anymore. I live with them. I go to class, work out, fuck, and drink beer with them. But I'm not really with them. Not too long ago I was here and it wasn't all an act but now I can barley even put on the face anymore. I'm past the meanness, the whining, the emotional wastefulness. If i'm going to pretend to be something I'm going to pretend to be somthing better then what I am-something besides apathetic and mediocre. A person should always act up not down. This isn't for me anymore.

I'm not moved by any strong sense of self-worth or a positive self-image. Its the opposite that gets me off my ass. I'm pushed on by all the people that made me feel small and insignificant-the men that saw some kind of weakness in me and tried to walk over me-the women that left me to find someone better. If all men were driven by such things nothing would be left undone.