Year-Long Lease

Don't bother bringing your toothbrush to my place because we won't make it through the night. I can feel you picking me apart. Prying. If you go too deep I'll push right the fuck back. Overreacting. If you insult me in the least I'll come back and break you completely. Tell me you don't like my shirt and I'll leave you a crying mess on the floor. Alone is nothing to me but it will kill you.

While You're Sleeping Next To Me

You've got your head on my chest. I want to trust you when you say things like you could lay here forever or you like the way my arms feel wrapped around you. But I don't think I can. 5 foot nothing. Size 4 dress on my floor. You'll fucking crush me if you can. A chink in my evolutionary armor. 8 million years of instinct tell me to cut and run right now. Leave you clutching the pillow.

Little Voices

Your always there, just below the surface
That knot in my chest, that lump in my throat
Your life is my biggest fear
To have nothing
To be too old to make a change
Alone
Scared
And you put your failure on my shoulders
Make me carry it like a cross
And lately my knees have started to buckle
I want to cut you off completely
Leave you in your misery
But I can't because your under my skin and in my blood
I love you and I hate you
I want to beat the shit out of you and make things better for you at the same time
To love is easy, to hate is easy
When you get the two mixed it feels like dieing
I will never put my burdens on anyone

Greatness

What do you know about insecurity
About fear
Every whisper, a secret about you
Every mutter an insult
Not good looking enough
Not big enough
Not man enough
She tells you she loves you and you think it's some cruel joke
Always thinking sincerity is feigned
Always pushing away
Always proving your own worth
What do you know about conquest
You've learned to turn weakness into strength
Fuel for the fire
Or is that too cliche?

Past it

Time to move on
This town served it's purpose
But I've taken all I can from it
And now it's suffocating
The same bars
The same girls
I'm beyond it now
I can feel myself changing, growing
And there's no more room left for me here
When I turned 18 my father said, "Now, son your a man"
But I was too unsure of myself, too scared to claim that title with any honesty
Now I stand upright
I look in the mirror and know all the ins and outs of the person looking back at me
I don't shy away from my reflection
Everyday I take what a want
And say yes to my nature
That is a man.

Back of my mind

Sometimes I wonder where this drive stole into my life
I want to be better then you
Stronger
Richer
Smarter
And so in everything I do I carry a little picture of you in my mind
Your memory is painful but it pushes me
Like the whip on a horses back, I keep moving forward
You're there when I lift
And when I work
You're there when I fuck
And when I study
You'll never let me be satisfied and I love you for it
A shrink would try to take you from me
They would call me tormented and an ego-maniac
But I won't let them touch you

Jealousy

I saw her on front campus reading Hemingway and I immediately wanted to know her. My last girlfriend read Twilight, quoted Taylor Swift songs in her Facebook statuses and called it deep. I want to write her in some poem or story and make her eternal. I never want to forget that people like her exist. She’s different. A long, pink scar running down the side of her face. Just like mine. But she’s ashamed of hers. She looks down when she walks and tries to cover it up with make up. She shouldn't. If I had her I would wrap my arms around her waist and lift her chin gently with my fingers and trace the lightning shaped mark with my lips.
I want to skip all the formalities with her. I don’t want to date or get to know her because I already know every thing about her. I want to tell her I love her before I even know her name. I want to lay tangled up in her and finally rest. She has a star tattoo on the back of her neck. I have tattoos too. I hope I’m edgy enough. Please think I’m edgy enough. I swear I am. I don’t want to have to talk to her. I can write but I can’t talk. God gives tongues or pens. Almost never both. We met on the lawn that day. I managed to speak. She brought her issues. I brought mine. We bore each other’s crosses. That’s love.
She sleeps at my apartment most nights. She doesn’t like to stay at her parent’s house because she says she feels lonely there. My oversized Red Sox jersey drapes her body nightly. I bury my face in her shoulder nightly. I smell her moisturizer. Her perfume. I fell in love again last night. And tonight. And tomorrow night. Love without end. Her last boyfriend was better looking then me. He had more tattoos and a better body. He wrote her poetry and she slept at his apartment too. I hope I hold her tighter then him. I work out daily so I can feel bigger. Make her feel smaller in my arms. I try to force conversation just in case my holding her doesn’t say enough. I’m scared she’ll go back to him. She leaves every morning. The jersey clutches her scent and I clutch the jersey. Hold it in my arms and breath in. I want her smell to stay forever. I want her to stay forever. Nightmares of her going back to him. I work out more. Talk more. Get more tattoos. Hold her more tightly. Smell her more deeply. I don’t want to be left alone again.
I can feel her drifting. I hate her for it. Her eyes wander. She only sleeps at my apartment a couple nights a week. I feel inadequate. Confused. Scared. Losing her scent and losing her. I clutch more tightly. My arms wrap around her ankles. Begging like a dog. She’s my savior. Two hands groped in the dark and found each other. She’s my executioner. Gun in hand. She has the upper hand. I work out more and comb my hair. Buy new clothes and apply expensive moisturizer to my face. I need to feel like I’m better then her. That’s she’s beneath me.
She left today forever. The door slammed. She said I drove her away. I’m too insecure. Too needy. Not edgy enough. I wish I had better hair. Bigger biceps. More defined abs. I wish I was wordly. Or could cook. Or could speak. I’m too scared. The nightmares come back. I wake up in cold sweats. Reach my hand out for her. Hit air. Her smell lingers lazily on her side of the bed. I roll in it. Bury my face in it. Dilute it with tears. Every night it fades more and I think of her. The indian giver.