Dear tool,

Hey bro! How are you? Man, you were such a fucking tool in high school but then came pledge-day and look at you now! Your like a completely different person! You look good. How do you get that collar to stand up so straight? I like your shorts, my girlfriend had a pair that were almost that short. And the way you have a different fluorescent colored polo for everyday of the week, man, that's something. Your closet must look like a bowl of fruit loops. I'm liking that shaggy hair to. It says "Yea man, I really don't give a fuck". And that is what your trying to say isn't it bro? "I don't give a fuck that the economy is tanking or that we're in two wars-pass me a Natty bro I'm getting hammered!" Slam your key into the side of that can and shotgun another one, you deserve it. Lets pre-game a little longer then we can head on down to the bar. If we're lucky we might pass someone who's obviously smaller and weaker then us so we can call him a pussy. Hopefully, when we get to the bar that really insecure girl from our Art history class will be there. You know the one you said would be really hot if she lost a few pounds? Yeah her! You didn't think she heard you but she did and now she has an eating disorder. Sweet man you gave that chick an eating disorder! You can act really chivalrous and buy her some drinks. Maybe a sex on the beach or a fuzzy nipple? Something, that sounds cute and girly, because if it was named after your real intentions you would be buying two shots of "I have to get this girl really incoherently wasted for her to even consider touching my weak, uninteresting disgusting ass." Your not much better then a rapist are you? No bro, your not. So bottoms up my friend. Here's to hoping she doesn't see through your paper thin guise of bullshit. And hey if it doesn't work out you can always get wasted and drive drunk! But if you do please do so in a sparsely populated, heavily wooded area so when you wrap your car around a tree you'll only hurt yourself and nobody I care about. Take care! You fucking douche.