Whats really driving me

I know you love a guy that's not me and I'm trying not to hate you for it. I can't be anything to you except what I am but I look at him and I look at me and I wonder what it is I don't have. I'm playing it off so well but I feel like I'm suffocating when I think about you. It's driving me up the fucking walls. I finally quit drinking. I go to the gym six days a week. I bought all new clothes. People see me now and tell me how great all the changes I'm making are and how strong of a person I'm becoming but I could care less about any of those things. I'm not doing these things because I'm strong I'm doing them because that's how pathetically broken I am for you. I'll make myself anything to get you back. If you can't love me then I'll become someone else.